listen to me

so i think i wrote this poem somewhere between nine and eleven years ago. i have always been impressed/depressed by the fact that love and pain always seem to go together. in a romantic relationship when love becomes a factor there will be pain for any number of reasons; maybe it is disillusionment or a break-up, maybe it is pain you feel because the one you love is in pain. even in the most powerful relationship, that between God and his creation we find pain as God himself dies in our place. i have always felt that people really didn't get this when i explained it to them; i feel it so intensely but they don't feel it at all. hence the last line. here we go:

it is my destiny
it is my fate
melancholy madness
fills my plate
love is pain
and pain is me
there is no escape
that i can see
save death, that is,
may it draw near
though i must depart
those i hold dear
but it matters not
beyond the veil
and you'll quickly forget
my sordid tale
my cage is opened
for it is time to die
sweet loved one cry not
it's only good-bye
LISTEN TO ME!!

ok, here's a brand spankin' new one-i'm making it up as i write it here. here we go:

like in a hurricane, spinning
i can't find the ground
and if i do, so what?
i don't know my way around
like in the darkest night, blind
i can't find the light of day
i tried to tell you but you wouldn't hear
so i have no more to say
like in a cage, trapped
my options are removed
you give your advice and you think
that my life is improved
i never really believed you'd do it
but i waited just the same
i was hoping, wishing, praying,
but you never came
i needed your experience,
but you never came
i needed your hand,
but you never came
i thought i was losing her,
but you never came
i even forgot me,
but you never came
so now i know how to spin
and find my way in the dark
i'm drawing my own map
and tearing cage walls apart

i'm tired and sad
and not sure where we'll go
but one thing i've learned
one thing i know
we weren't defeated
and we never will be
i don't know our next step
but the destination i see
and so we press on
with you or without
in confusion and uncertainty
but never with doubt
i cry out to God
that he would defend our cause
and i know we STILL rest
between the great lion's paws

why does it change fonts on me?! why why why why why?!?!?!?!?!

cats

my family had a cat a long time ago, but she died when i was little and we never got another one. my wife, in contrast, has always had cats. when we got married she wanted her cat to come and live with us, which i resisted for a good while (partially because the landlord said no cats). i just wasn't used to cats and the experience i did have didn't really endear them to me. somehow her cat grew on me enough that when she died a few years later i had her tattooed on my leg. weird, i know. anyway, back in 2004 we didn't have enough money for me to get my wife anything particularly impressive for her birthday, and knowing she liked both cats and my poems, i combined the two into a little book for her. i thought i'd put a few on here. here we go:

my new pet
i got a human the other day
it's not too cute
but it likes to play
it's not fluffy either
but i pet it still
it doesn't use the litter box
though someday i think it will
i've trained it to feed me
and to set out my water too
i've even trained it to carry me around
i might let it carry you
the thing about humans....
they're not too bright;
mine still gets up
on the bed at night
i've tried every trick i know
but try as i may
i just can't train that habit away
and sometimes it bathes
inside my play tub
but it's kinda cute
going rub a dub dub
all in all
they're a good pet to get;
training them well,
now that's the trick
as a work-human
or just as a friend
i know i'll be glad
i had mine in the end

this next poem is about the first night my wife's cat spent with us. i didn't want her sleeping in our room.

conspiracy
"meow!" she called out longingly
"meow!" she said again
"meow!" she cried pathetically
"won't somebody let me in?"
'you're fine' i said back to her
'this bed's not designed for a kitty'
'now be quiet,' i continued
'they can hear you throughout the city!'
"meow!!" she called out even louder
standing just outside the door
"meow! i know that you can hear me!"
she was getting harder to ignore
'i can fix this'
i said to her
'i'll build a wall so tall...'
'i'll make it thick with dirty clothes,
and i won't hear you at all!'
but as i gathered my supplies
she looked me in the eyes,
i'm afriad i must admit
that caught me by surprise
then from behind me i heard the voice
i so easily recognize:
"don't you love her?"
she said to me,
"just look at those longing eyes!"
'it's just...
well see...
she can't....
oh dear....'
i knew i had been beat
the girl and the cat
had conspired against me
and plotted my defeat
she leaped onto the bed in triumph
and claimed her victory;
little did i know at the time
she still wasn't through with me
little by little she made her way
on the bed, on the couch, in my heart
i didn't think it would work that way
but she knew it from the start
there is no more need to conspire
for i have been conquered all the way
in truth, surrender has never been sweeter
and i'm glad i lost that day

how to build a cat
fuzzy furry fluffy fat
so many ways to make a cat
long tail or short
five toes or six
a scratchy tongue
so she can lick
and teeth to bite
(but only in love)
that's how they're made by God above
delicate and dainty
or tough as hell
made to balance
except mine...who fell
but on her feet
she safely landed!
though on the fridge
she was suddenly stranded
meow
meia
meme
and mew
a cat can say them all to you
to do their bidding
(to get them down)
for a cat should never
be made to frown
so please come quickly
to your fat
thin
furry
or fuzzy cat
for they own you
and that's a fact

curious citty cat
cats
can
clearly
count
'cause
concerning
creepy
critters
cat's
curiosity
calls;
congruently
cats
characteristically
crouch,
counting counting counting counting
creeping creeping
coming closer.....
POUNCE!

not quite a cat
i think may cat may not be that,
that is, i think she's not a cat.
for cats are thin they are not fat
and cats can balance
but mine goes splat
hey...
did you know that most cats
would chase a rat?
not mine, my cat
would run from that;
so i think my cat is not a cat,
i really think she is not that.
most people, i think,
can pet their cat,
go pat pat pat upon their back;
not to my cat,
no pat pat pat,
or else she'll turn
and then attack!
how unlike
the average cat.
that's why i think
she is not that;
so what is my cat,
if not a cat?
i haven't really
considered that.
just don't tell her,
or her emotions
won't stay intact,
because she doesn't know
she isn't that;
she's pretty sure
she is a cat

a few simple rules for my litter box
we need to sit and have a talk
because i'm holding hostage all your socks
until you properly set up
my all important litter box
it's really a simple process,
just a little rule or two
so if you have a minute
i'll explain it all to you:

1. near a window so i can see who's seeing me when i pee
2. a curtain would be a nicety, so i could have some privacy; red or green or blue will do, or any color it's up to you
3. somewhere quiet so i can set a pace (cause if i can't think i'll pick another place)
4. not too high and not too low-i'm exactly eight inches tall you know
5. please fill it exactly two inches deep.
6. and if it's not too much trouble could you please keep the temperature at 68.3 (feel free to let it vary one-tenth a degree)
7. a 40 watt light bulb will suffice
8. placed six feet up would be really nice

plumbing is not really a problem here,
but cleanliness is i fear,

9. so if you could be kind enough to scoop and remove my kitty poop, then i suppose it'd be ok
10. if you refilled every other day
11. a carpet underneath is good,
12. vacuumed daily if you could
13. the northwest corner is the place with adequate amounts of space for me to scoot some when i'm done
(there's no real purpose i just think it's fun)
14. put it snugly against the wall

did you write that down?
i think that's all...
by the way
i had a lot to drink,
my bladder's getting full
i think,
so if you could hurry
that would be grand
just keep these simple rules
in hand
and follow each carefully,
one by one
and i'm sure it will
all work out swell
and if it doesn't, well,
i'm sure there will be a way to tell

the font keeps getting bigger and i can't make it stop. that's weird.

good old days

this is the last poem i wrote in high school (and the last high school poem i'll put on here---for now). i wrote it primarily to a friend though i suppose it speaks to a lot of people's high school experience.

looking back on all the years
it doesn't seem that long
i closed my eyes for just a moment
now all those years are gone
when we met we were so alike
two kids without a care
playing games at recess,
it feels as though i'm there
perhaps we've started to grow apart
but i know that in the end
no matter what becomes of us
i will always call you friend
and though we go our separate ways
on two very different paths
i will always remember the pains we shared
i will always remember the laughs
i will remember how you helped me
and how sometimes i helped you too
and all the things we learned together
doing what best friends do
i've got to let you go now,
you have released me too
you've been more than a friend to me,
you're the only brother i ever knew
so goodbye my friend and brother
know that i wish you the best
remember all the good times
try to forget the rest
think of me every now and then
as we try to make our ways
and i will think of you often
as we remember these "good old days"

dreams

this is another poem from my junior (maybe senior) year in high school. i was still feeling rather hopeless, though i hung on to my idealistic dreams. i remember writing this one and i remember how crappy i felt after writing it, which is when i added the last two stanzas.

i dream of a life
of adventures bold
i dream of stories
yet untold
i dream of the lives
that i will save
i dream of the ways
that i'll be brave
i dream of traveling
this whole earth
sometimes i dream
of my child's birth
i dream of her mother
my beautiful wife
i dream of a content
and fulfilled life
i dream of spreading
the word of the lord
over great mountains
across great fiords
i dream of being able
to speak words that heal
to write my emotions
so that you will feel
these dreams are fine
until i realize
they aren't really dreams
they're all just lies
here is where i am
and here i shall stay
it really doesn't matter
what i do, what i say
whatever i dream
i will always find
it will only come true
inside my mind
so forget these dreams
because now i see
it's time to get back
to reality
no! i won't fall!
let me become a great man
let me achieve the things
that i know i can
i will grow stronger
with each passing day
let me reach for my dreams
let me start today

some dark poems

we're still in the high school period here, but we have made it to junior year, which was one of the hardest for me. that's when i got heavy into depression and suicidal thought; i used to have tons of these poems but i can only find a few of them now. here we go:

feel no more
i will shed no more tears
for i can no longer cry
sorrow is useless
the pain is greater than the sky
i will no longer mourn
for it does me no good
you can't understand
though i once wished you could
but i no longer hope
for dreams don't come true
you proved that for me
though you never knew
i will no longer love
for it's a waste of a heart
this feeling dies hard
so why ever start?
all the emotions
they all end in pain
so why ever feel?
it's all done in vain

almost real
what a life i lead,
to live just for the day!
so little time to work,
so much time to play!
isn't it a joy
to have nothing left to do
so we can have a little fun,
together me and you!
oh wait, this isn't real
it's only just a dream
i knew that things couldn't be
as good as they seem

some God poems

these are basically all earlier poems, though they span several years. i wrote these as i was ending the first part of my "spiritual journey" (i hate phrases like that but i can't think of anything else) and had come to the conclusion that the God of the bible was in fact God and that Jesus of Nazareth is in fact the messiah. these represent my attempts at both praise and understanding. here we go:

saving grace
the lord is my shepherd, whom shall i fear?
he will always be with me, he will always be near
i have no need to be lonely
because i am never alone
we will work together
i am never on my own
my savior has promised:
on him i can call
as long as i do this
i will never fall
he will never forsake me, his love does not lack
and if i should stray, i can always come back
what greater love is there but to die that we might live?
what greater gift is there that someone can give?
always remember, he is eternal love
he is the greatest good that comes from above

believe
believe with all your mind
and believe with all your soul
force your way through the trouble
and strive for the goal
people are on the street
and people are at war
you thought you knew it all
but it was easier before
why does all this happen?
when will all this end?
i tell you there's a plan
that you can not comprehend
i have been to the mountain top
i have seen the promised land
we will live with his love
in his kingdom fine and grand
i have wept for love of him
and he for love of me
though his love is never far
sometimes it's hard to see
he will guide you with his immortal light
until you make it home
and you will have eternal life
no more on earth to roam
but until the king of all
calls out my name
i will do his good work
for that is my aim
the rock of ages will be there
to guide me all the way
and then he'll call me into his light
on that great and glorious day

blessings
god bless the children and the wild things
for the peace that their innocence brings
god bless the dads and all of the mothers
and show favor upon sisters and brothers
god bless the weak who in Christ are strong
and be with the sinner who tries not to do wrong
god bless my friends for whom i would die
and send them your spirit from morning till night
god bless all of the husbands and wives
send peace and contentment into their lives
and finally, i pray, god bless me
that i am all i can be

he is with me
i once hoped for death
for the pain to just end
my immoral actions
i could no longer defend
staring off in the distance
my eyes glazed with fear
i could feel the hand of evil
drawing ever near
when suddenly there came a light
my fear, i knew it could kill
in the light i saw the creator
saying, "i love you still"
and to my cowering tormentor
he commanded to be gone
then he looked at me and said,
"child, it's been so long"
he reached down into the depths
and he lifted me from the night
"you can not do it alone," he said
"so together we shall fight"
with tears in both our eyes
and his glory now made known
he takes my hand and says,
"child, i'll lead you home"

"The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to perish, but wants everyone to repent and be changed" (2 peter 3:9).