my new pet
i got a human the other day
it's not too cute
but it likes to play
it's not fluffy either
but i pet it still
it doesn't use the litter box
though someday i think it will
i've trained it to feed me
and to set out my water too
i've even trained it to carry me around
i might let it carry you
the thing about humans....
they're not too bright;
mine still gets up
on the bed at night
i've tried every trick i know
but try as i may
i just can't train that habit away
and sometimes it bathes
inside my play tub
but it's kinda cute
going rub a dub dub
all in all
they're a good pet to get;
training them well,
now that's the trick
as a work-human
or just as a friend
i know i'll be glad
i had mine in the end
i got a human the other day
it's not too cute
but it likes to play
it's not fluffy either
but i pet it still
it doesn't use the litter box
though someday i think it will
i've trained it to feed me
and to set out my water too
i've even trained it to carry me around
i might let it carry you
the thing about humans....
they're not too bright;
mine still gets up
on the bed at night
i've tried every trick i know
but try as i may
i just can't train that habit away
and sometimes it bathes
inside my play tub
but it's kinda cute
going rub a dub dub
all in all
they're a good pet to get;
training them well,
now that's the trick
as a work-human
or just as a friend
i know i'll be glad
i had mine in the end
this next poem is about the first night my wife's cat spent with us. i didn't want her sleeping in our room.
conspiracy
"meow!" she called out longingly
"meow!" she said again
"meow!" she cried pathetically
"won't somebody let me in?"
'you're fine' i said back to her
'this bed's not designed for a kitty'
'now be quiet,' i continued
'they can hear you throughout the city!'
"meow!!" she called out even louder
standing just outside the door
"meow! i know that you can hear me!"
she was getting harder to ignore
'i can fix this'
i said to her
'i'll build a wall so tall...'
'i'll make it thick with dirty clothes,
and i won't hear you at all!'
but as i gathered my supplies
she looked me in the eyes,
i'm afriad i must admit
that caught me by surprise
then from behind me i heard the voice
i so easily recognize:
"don't you love her?"
she said to me,
"just look at those longing eyes!"
'it's just...
well see...
she can't....
oh dear....'
i knew i had been beat
the girl and the cat
had conspired against me
and plotted my defeat
she leaped onto the bed in triumph
and claimed her victory;
little did i know at the time
she still wasn't through with me
little by little she made her way
on the bed, on the couch, in my heart
i didn't think it would work that way
but she knew it from the start
there is no more need to conspire
for i have been conquered all the way
in truth, surrender has never been sweeter
and i'm glad i lost that day
how to build a cat
fuzzy furry fluffy fat
so many ways to make a cat
long tail or short
five toes or six
a scratchy tongue
so she can lick
and teeth to bite
(but only in love)
that's how they're made by God above
delicate and dainty
or tough as hell
made to balance
except mine...who fell
but on her feet
she safely landed!
though on the fridge
she was suddenly stranded
meow
meia
meme
and mew
a cat can say them all to you
to do their bidding
(to get them down)
for a cat should never
be made to frown
so please come quickly
to your fat
thin
furry
or fuzzy cat
for they own you
and that's a fact
curious citty cat
cats
can
clearly
count
'cause
concerning
creepy
critters
cat's
curiosity
calls;
congruently
cats
characteristically
crouch,
counting counting counting counting
creeping creeping
coming closer.....
POUNCE!
not quite a cat
i think may cat may not be that,
that is, i think she's not a cat.
for cats are thin they are not fat
and cats can balance
but mine goes splat
hey...
did you know that most cats
would chase a rat?
not mine, my cat
would run from that;
so i think my cat is not a cat,
i really think she is not that.
most people, i think,
can pet their cat,
go pat pat pat upon their back;
not to my cat,
no pat pat pat,
or else she'll turn
and then attack!
how unlike
the average cat.
that's why i think
she is not that;
so what is my cat,
if not a cat?
i haven't really
considered that.
just don't tell her,
or her emotions
won't stay intact,
because she doesn't know
she isn't that;
she's pretty sure
she is a cat
a few simple rules for my litter box
we need to sit and have a talk
because i'm holding hostage all your socks
until you properly set up
my all important litter box
it's really a simple process,
just a little rule or two
so if you have a minute
i'll explain it all to you:
1. near a window so i can see who's seeing me when i pee
2. a curtain would be a nicety, so i could have some privacy; red or green or blue will do, or any color it's up to you
3. somewhere quiet so i can set a pace (cause if i can't think i'll pick another place)
4. not too high and not too low-i'm exactly eight inches tall you know
5. please fill it exactly two inches deep.
6. and if it's not too much trouble could you please keep the temperature at 68.3 (feel free to let it vary one-tenth a degree)
7. a 40 watt light bulb will suffice
8. placed six feet up would be really nice
plumbing is not really a problem here,
but cleanliness is i fear,
9. so if you could be kind enough to scoop and remove my kitty poop, then i suppose it'd be ok
10. if you refilled every other day
11. a carpet underneath is good,
12. vacuumed daily if you could
13. the northwest corner is the place with adequate amounts of space for me to scoot some when i'm done
(there's no real purpose i just think it's fun)
14. put it snugly against the wall
did you write that down?
i think that's all...
by the way
i had a lot to drink,
my bladder's getting full
i think,
so if you could hurry
that would be grand
just keep these simple rules
in hand
and follow each carefully,
one by one
and i'm sure it will
all work out swell
and if it doesn't, well,
i'm sure there will be a way to tell
"meow!" she called out longingly
"meow!" she said again
"meow!" she cried pathetically
"won't somebody let me in?"
'you're fine' i said back to her
'this bed's not designed for a kitty'
'now be quiet,' i continued
'they can hear you throughout the city!'
"meow!!" she called out even louder
standing just outside the door
"meow! i know that you can hear me!"
she was getting harder to ignore
'i can fix this'
i said to her
'i'll build a wall so tall...'
'i'll make it thick with dirty clothes,
and i won't hear you at all!'
but as i gathered my supplies
she looked me in the eyes,
i'm afriad i must admit
that caught me by surprise
then from behind me i heard the voice
i so easily recognize:
"don't you love her?"
she said to me,
"just look at those longing eyes!"
'it's just...
well see...
she can't....
oh dear....'
i knew i had been beat
the girl and the cat
had conspired against me
and plotted my defeat
she leaped onto the bed in triumph
and claimed her victory;
little did i know at the time
she still wasn't through with me
little by little she made her way
on the bed, on the couch, in my heart
i didn't think it would work that way
but she knew it from the start
there is no more need to conspire
for i have been conquered all the way
in truth, surrender has never been sweeter
and i'm glad i lost that day
how to build a cat
fuzzy furry fluffy fat
so many ways to make a cat
long tail or short
five toes or six
a scratchy tongue
so she can lick
and teeth to bite
(but only in love)
that's how they're made by God above
delicate and dainty
or tough as hell
made to balance
except mine...who fell
but on her feet
she safely landed!
though on the fridge
she was suddenly stranded
meow
meia
meme
and mew
a cat can say them all to you
to do their bidding
(to get them down)
for a cat should never
be made to frown
so please come quickly
to your fat
thin
furry
or fuzzy cat
for they own you
and that's a fact
curious citty cat
cats
can
clearly
count
'cause
concerning
creepy
critters
cat's
curiosity
calls;
congruently
cats
characteristically
crouch,
counting counting counting counting
creeping creeping
coming closer.....
POUNCE!
not quite a cat
i think may cat may not be that,
that is, i think she's not a cat.
for cats are thin they are not fat
and cats can balance
but mine goes splat
hey...
did you know that most cats
would chase a rat?
not mine, my cat
would run from that;
so i think my cat is not a cat,
i really think she is not that.
most people, i think,
can pet their cat,
go pat pat pat upon their back;
not to my cat,
no pat pat pat,
or else she'll turn
and then attack!
how unlike
the average cat.
that's why i think
she is not that;
so what is my cat,
if not a cat?
i haven't really
considered that.
just don't tell her,
or her emotions
won't stay intact,
because she doesn't know
she isn't that;
she's pretty sure
she is a cat
a few simple rules for my litter box
we need to sit and have a talk
because i'm holding hostage all your socks
until you properly set up
my all important litter box
it's really a simple process,
just a little rule or two
so if you have a minute
i'll explain it all to you:
1. near a window so i can see who's seeing me when i pee
2. a curtain would be a nicety, so i could have some privacy; red or green or blue will do, or any color it's up to you
3. somewhere quiet so i can set a pace (cause if i can't think i'll pick another place)
4. not too high and not too low-i'm exactly eight inches tall you know
5. please fill it exactly two inches deep.
6. and if it's not too much trouble could you please keep the temperature at 68.3 (feel free to let it vary one-tenth a degree)
7. a 40 watt light bulb will suffice
8. placed six feet up would be really nice
plumbing is not really a problem here,
but cleanliness is i fear,
9. so if you could be kind enough to scoop and remove my kitty poop, then i suppose it'd be ok
10. if you refilled every other day
11. a carpet underneath is good,
12. vacuumed daily if you could
13. the northwest corner is the place with adequate amounts of space for me to scoot some when i'm done
(there's no real purpose i just think it's fun)
14. put it snugly against the wall
did you write that down?
i think that's all...
by the way
i had a lot to drink,
my bladder's getting full
i think,
so if you could hurry
that would be grand
just keep these simple rules
in hand
and follow each carefully,
one by one
and i'm sure it will
all work out swell
and if it doesn't, well,
i'm sure there will be a way to tell
the font keeps getting bigger and i can't make it stop. that's weird.
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